Wednesday, 18 November 2009

Teenagers moved away by dispersal zone

STUPID teenagers with nothing better to do than hang around street corners looking at phones and spitting can now be moved on by police.

Normally sucking on each others perceived notions of enjoyment idiotic children as young as 12 all the way up to 19 - and normally this age range hang out together for some sick peverted reason - can be moved on by police.

PC Jacqui Dyer said: "To be honest we're just sick of them hanging around, pissing in plant pots, gobbing on grannies and shitting on paving slabs.

"They hang around with coke bottles filled with booze and scream at each other in some strange language I like to call 'iguzi'.

"Essentially it sounds like a sort of irate urchin painfully giving birth to a burp, backwards. It's most disturbing."

Those who can also be moved on include teenage boys who shout "oi" over and over again.

Teens who defy the new measures can be shot in the knees and told to sit on a bench while pensioners hit them in the face with their shopping from Somerfield.

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

Ross Swent on Afghanistan II

The plane is nearly fixed.

We went out earlier this afternoon but a wing fell off.

I'm just waiting for the all clear and we'll be off to Afghanistan.

My feet are cold.

Ross Swent on Afghanistan

Our intrepid reporter Ross Swent is travelling to Afghanistan with some military types.

Every day he will send in reports of his time. Here's the first.

Day 1. 7.43am.
I'm sitting at Brize Norton waiting for the plane to be fixed.

Wild cats on the loose

Seven cats, known as wild cats, have escaped from How on Earth Do You Zoo near Canterbury.

It is understood that the seven wild cats boarded a train and travelled to Margate before mauling passengers and staff at the train station.

One onlooker who could not be named for lack of mouth said: "It was like some crazy kitten on steroids. I looked and then looked again and then my face came off. I saw a man with a gun who waved at me before bringing down one of the cats.

"He just loaded it and went nooooooooooo before shooting and then bullet went fwahfwahfwah before hitting the cat."

Cat experts say not to go near the cats or you'll die but campaigners say they shouldn't be shot because they're living beings.

Campaigner and cat lover Jill Jingle said: "Please don't shoot the cats. They're only scared of things."

The cats were last seen on a bus heading for Cliftonville and police advise residents to keep their windows shut.

Friday, 13 February 2009

Jesus

Retired gynaecologist Phil Jackson was eating some crisps when he found Jesus on one of them.

Phil, 42, who has 24 children said he was watching the first Nasa flight from Manston when he pulled out the Walkers Builders' Breakfast flavour crisp and noticed Jesus winking at him.

The size 11 man said: "It was really weird and I called Marleen my wife and said 'oi, Marleen. Look at this fucking crisp, Jesus is on it.' And so she come in and just smacked me because she was trying to have a shit."

Mr Jackson took the crisp to an expert who told him to go away because he wasn't an expert in crisps and an atheist.

Mr Jackson now plans to open his flies before taking a piss and also wants to open a museum for eager pilgrims to see for themselves the crisp that has enlightened and enriched the Jackson house.

What do you think? A load of old rubbish or really Jesus? Leave us your comments.